This is Shop class.
My name is Mr. Adler.
For the next week, rather than your normal schoolwork,
you'll be learning how to make things.
Now, does anybody know why you are in Shop class?
- Yes. - Because we had to choose
between this and Home Ec, and we didn't wanna be sissies?
Wrong! You are here because you are America's future.
You may someday be doctors, or lawyers, or scientists.
Most of you, however, will be pumping gas,
or cutting sheet metal. And that's why we have Shop class.
Now, let me make one thing crystal clear.
I don't like kids that screw around. You screw around in Shop class,
you could lose a hand or an eye.
I have a... I have... I have a...
- Mr. Adler? - I was just saying that I want to know,
who is the biggest troublemaker in your class?
- Tweek is! - No, I'm not.
Yeah, you are, Tweek. You always get in trouble.
Hello, excuse me, but Craig is the biggest troublemaker in our class.
- That true, Craig? You a troublemaker? - No.
Well, you better not be, because the Shop class is...
- Hey! Did you just flip me off? - No.
- Yes, you did! - Told ya!
Dude, Shop class sucks. Maybe we should've taken Home Ec.
No way, dude. Home Ec is for girls.
Welcome to Home Ec. For the next week,
you will be learning how to bake, sew, clean and make things
that are lacy and pretty.
- Yes, Wendy. - I requested to be in Shop class,
- but they sent me here. - That's right, Wendy.
You see, some of you girls will go on to have interesting jobs and careers.
But all of you pretty ones won't have to worry about that
because you can marry a nice man. And that's why we have Home Ec.
I wonder why Kenny didn't want to take Shop class.
- I don't know. He's such a wuss. - Hey, don't screw around.
You screw around too much.
You know, you guys are totally wrong about Tweek.
Craig is way worse than he is.
- No, he's not, dude. Craig is a wuss. - Dude, if Craig and Tweek got in a fight,
- Craig would kick Tweek's ass! - You wanna bet?
- Yeah, I'll bet! - How much?
- Five bucks. - You're on.
Hey, Tweek. Dude, Craig chooses you. He wants to fight.
- He does? - Yeah, he's all pissed off at you.
- So, will you fight him? - Why?
Dude, because. You have to stand up for yourself. So will you fight him?
He doesn't look like he wants to fight me.
Craig, can I talk to you real quick? Just a second, please, Craig.
Craig, I'm not normally one to get involved in this kind of thing, but,
well, I was just standing over by Tweek, and he called you a big poop-eater.
- He did? - Yeah. He said you eat poop,
and then it makes your breath smell like poop, and that,
- well, you like it. - Why would he say that?
I don't know, Craig. I don't know. But now he's over there,
telling everybody that you're a poop-eater, and he chooses you.
- Well, I'm gonna go over there and... - No, no, Craig.
You can't fight him here, Mr. Adler would just break it up.
Tell you what. I'll go tell him you accept his challenge,
- and set it up for after school today. - Okay.
- There, you see? He just flipped you off. - What a jerk!
- He's really got it out for you, dude. - Why? What did I do?
So, do you agree to fight him after school?
- I guess so. - Super. See you there.
Catch me, Richard.
I'm so in love with you, Richard.
I made you some cookies, Richard.
Merry Christmas, Richard.
Richard, say we'll be this happy forever.
Richard!
- Why, why? - Mr. Adler. Mr. Adler!
- Stop screwing around! - The bell rang, can we go?
- Well, sure. Class dismissed. - Come on, you guys.
- This is gonna be sweet, dude. - You guys are so wrong about Tweek.
- He's gonna get his ass kicked. - We'll see.
Why don't we just raise our bet to $10?
- You're on, fat ass. - Well, well, well, look who's here.
Our little Home Economics friend, Kenny.
How come you wanna take Home Ec, Kenny?
- Yeah, that's not cool, dude. - Bye, Kenny. See you tomorrow.
Bye, Kenny.
- Hey, what's going on? - Tweek and Craig are gonna fight.
Really? Cool!
It's funny, 'cause Tweek and Craig both went home about 15 minutes ago.
- What? - Yeah, they left.
- Hell. - Those sons of bitches!
- I guess they don't wanna fight. - Oh, they wanna fight.
They just don't know it yet.
- Tweek! - Tweek!
What do you guys want?
How come you didn't show up to the fight, Tweek?
Craig and I have no reason to fight each other.
- Well, Craig showed up. - He did?
Yeah, he was standing there, waiting for you,
and he was all like, "Man, Tweek's a wuss."
And we were all like, "No, he's not Craig."
And he was all like, "Yeah, he is. He isn't showing up.
"He's a big wuss, and he has crooked teeth."
- I don't have crooked teeth! - And then, Craig was all like,
"Tweek is scared of me. He's a big chicken."
And he started doing an impersonation of you being a chicken.
- Oh, everybody in the world saw it. - Everyone in the world?
- Yeah, it was wig. - I'm not a chicken.
Well, everyone in the world thinks you are. See you, Tweek.
- Wait! I'll fight! - Tomorrow?
Okay.
Craig, what the hell are you doing home?
You're supposed to be out fighting Tweek.
- Red Racer's on. - Craig, you can watch Red Racer
- any day of the week. - I do watch Red Racer
- every day of the week. - Well, that's fine.
I guess you don't care about what Tweek said about your mom.
No.
God damn it!
I guess you don't care what Tweek said about your guinea pig.
What? What did he say about Stripe?
Oh, nothing, except that you stick it up your ass before you go to bed.
That son of a bitch! I'll kill him!
Yeah, I'd be pissed too.
So maybe we should reschedule the fight for tomorrow?
- After Red Racer. - After Red Racer, of course.
How was school today, Son? That's great.
Dad, if some kid at school wants to fight me,
what should I do?
Son, let me tell you a little story about when your mother and I first met.
You see, a long time ago,
there were a lot of guys who were after your mother.
- She used to be very attractive. - It's true. I was.
Well, when I started courting your mother,
there was this big, muscular football player named Quib,
who didn't take too kindly to me.
He wanted your mother all to himself.
And so, one day, he challenged me to a fight.
- Well? - Well what, honey?
- What happened? - I don't know.
- He moved away or something. - Yes, I think that's right.
You guys never help me! Your stories never go anywhere.
I hate it! I want out! I want out!
Dad, I'm supposed to get in a fight tomorrow.
- With who? - Some kid.
- Oh. - Don't just "Oh" him, Thomas!
- Yeah, don't just "Oh" me! - I'll "Oh" whoever I want!
Well, that was fun, Pearl. See ya later.
Richard, aren't you going to invite me in?
- Why? - Well, I thought maybe
you would at least attempt to make love to me tonight.
Well, I can't. I left the oven on.
Oh, Richard, why can't you open your heart to me? Why?
I just, I can't. I know, I have genital warts.
- We'll use plastic wrap. - Nope. Sorry, maybe some other time.
Swing me, Richard, swing me higher.
I wanna touch the sky, Richard.
Richard, I'm here! Just now.
Oh, Richard, it's beautiful. Yes.
But you have to come see me fly tomorrow, Richard.
I have a surprise for you.
Don't worry, Richard. I'm a pilot. It's what I do.
Richard!
Richard...
Oh, God! What am I gonna do?
Okay. So, just to set the record straight here, the fight will be happening
out by the tetherball pole at 3:30.
Tweek just weighed in at 48 pounds, Craig at 45.
How long do you expect the fight to last?
However long Craig wants it to last.
Make no mistake. Craig has been ready for this fight since day one.
He doesn't even view it as a challenge.
He'll view it as a challenge when he's getting his ass kicked!
Did you hear that? It sounds like diarrhea
coming out of someone's mouth, or something.
- Shut up, fat ass! - Don't call me fat, you son of a bitch!
Fat...
Fat boy...
Son of a bitch.
Wow, Tweek and Craig really hate each other, huh?
This should be a good fight.
On your first date, look at the man's shoes.
Sometimes, you can tell how much money a man has
just by his shoes.
When he takes you out to dinner, try to sneak a peek at his wallet
while he pays for you. If he only has one credit card, beware.
It means he doesn't spend a lot, and worse yet, it could be a debit card.
If he has more than four credit cards, that's a little fishy.
The perfect number of credit cards for a man to have is two.
- Yes, Bebe. - What if we meet a guy
who wants to be a doctor or a lawyer, but is still getting his degree?
Dump that zero and get yourself a hero.
He could be earning that degree all his life, while you starve to death
with two dying babies sucking at your teats.
When I have you guys' 10 bucks, I'm gonna use it
to buy the sweetest big-screen TV in the world.
That's more than 10 bucks, you stupid fat ass!
Well, if I get 10 bucks from each of you, that's like $2,000...
Hey, quit screwing around back there. You're horsing.
Richard!
If you build it...
Swing me, Richard, swing me higher.
Richard, I'm here! Oh, Richard, it's beautiful. Yes.
But you have to come see me fly tomorrow, Richard.
I have a surprise for you. Don't worry, Richard. I'm a pilot.
It's all for you.
Richard!
- Mr. Adler. Mr. Adler! - What?
Tommy stuck his face in the belt sander.
The belt sander? Tommy! I told you not to screw around
with the belt sander, didn't I?
Well, go on. Go see the nurse. She'll give you some peroxide.
- What's that? - This is a woman that I knew
- a long time ago. - What, she die or something?
What? Hey! Go on. You're screwing around in here.
Oh, boy, here we go.
- What's happening? - Tweek's gonna fight Craig.
Oh, cool!
Stay pissed, Tweek. Stay pissed. All right. Here we go.
Time for you to get proven wrong, fat boy.
You're gonna be eating those words, asshole.
No, I won't. Because you'd eat them first, tubby.
- Well? - Come on!
Yeah, if you're gonna do it, do it!
- What do we do? - What do you mean, what do you do?
- You just fight each other. - How?
- I've never been in a fight before.
Me neither.
- Dude, come on! - You just hit each other,
smack each other around.
- Well, not like that! - Like what, then?
All right, all right. Screw this. We have to postpone the fight
so Tweek and Craig can learn how to fight.
- All that build-up for nothing. - Yeah, Christ!
I could've been home by now!
All right, Tweek, we'll teach you how to fight,
and Cartman, you teach Craig.
Well, I don't think that's very fair. If I teach Craig,
- he's gonna really kill Tweek. - Oh, yeah?
Well, I'm gonna have my Uncle Jimbo teach Tweek how to box.
Boxing! Scary, you guys! I'm gonna have Craig learn martial arts.
Fine, we'll see you back here tomorrow.
- Fine! - Fine!
Fine! That's fine.
All righty, Tweek. My little nephew, Stanley, has asked me
to teach you the fine points of boxing.
You're in luck. Ned here used to be the state champion
- until a grenade blew his arm off. - I can still kick ass.
Now, Tweek. Boxing is a man's sport. There is nothing in the world
more man than boxing. It is man at his most man.
So when you spar with Ned here,
just dig deep into that most man part of you.
Well, enough of the lectures. Let's get to boxing.
What you got, biatch?
Keep your guard up, Tweek.
- Damn it! - Come on, Tweek.
- He's only got one arm. - All right. Looks like we'll have to
apply the Oppenheimer technique with Tweek, here.
- What you got, biatch? - Punch him in the balls, Tweek!
Atta boy! Now quick, get him again while he's down!
Good! Now kick his balls!
There, see? You got him coughing up blood.
- Hurray! - Now that's boxing.
Your friend has brought you to learn the ancient art of sumo.
You must learn discipline and respect.
In sumo, your body must be like a stone
- and your mind, like a meatloaf. - Meatloaf?
The object is simply to push opponent out of circle.
- Is opponent ready? - I'm ready.
Yeah, I like this hair thing. This is cool.
Let us begin.
Ready, and...
Respect my authority!
Body like a stone. Mind like meatloaf.
Dude, come on now. Come on.
Oh, Jesus! I can't take it. Stop.
Fight back. Resist the ass!
- How could I resist an ass so great? - It is only an ass.
You must overcome the ass with your mind.
This ass is not like any I've encountered, Master.
- I win! - There is, indeed, great power
in your ass, Eric. Perhaps you should consider sumo as a profession.
Hey, maybe!
No, no, make it stop.
Oh, Richard. Say we'll be this happy forever.
But you have to come see me fly tomorrow, Richard.
I have a surprise for you.
Don't worry, Richard. I'm a pilot!
Watch me, Richard!
Richard!
I never got to say goodbye. I never got to say goodbye!
Oh, no! Oh, no! Now what do I do?
Okay, that was very good, class.
Now, let's try this one together.
Honey, can I get a new wardrobe?
All right, now let's try this one together.
Lisa Smith's husband just bought her a new car.
Good. Bebe, why don't you try this one?
I think a trip to Hawaii would really improve our sex life.
Outstanding. Now, Kenny, how about you try?
Okay. Kenny, could I talk to you over here, real quick?
Kenny, I don't quite know how to tell you this,
but I'm not sure Home Economics is right for you.
Well, your cooking is unsatisfactory, your sewing skills are below average,
and, frankly, I don't think the odds of you marrying a nice, rich man
in the future are very, well, good.
No. I think you should consider transferring to Shop class.
Now, now. Very few students are severely injured in Shop class.
- Come on! It's time for the fight! - Yeah!
Fight? No, no, no. Girls, haven't I taught you anything?
Okay, the time has finally come.
Programs! Get your programs, here! Programs!
Remember, Tweek, punch hard, punch low. This is when
- you gotta get mean, Tweek. - Mean!
The spirit of the dragon is in your hands.
- All right? - Okay.
Now, listen to me.
All right? I'm serious here.
Okay, okay.
You ready, Tweek? Ready Craig? Let's get it on!
Respect my authority.
- Come on, Tweek! - Come on, Craig!
To whom it may concern. I can no longer live without her.
I could not say goodbye to her, and so now,
I must say goodbye to all of you, for I am all out of nicotine gum.
Sincerely yours, Richard Adler. Shop class.
P.S. Don't screw around.
Goodbye, cruel world.
Jesus Christ! What was I thinking? That would've hurt like hell!
Come on, Craig, come on, kick his ass!
- Go, Tweek, kick his ass! - Yeah, come on, Craig!
- Come on, Tweek, you got him! - Yeah!
Tweek, did you hear that? Craig just called you a boner.
We just have to keep throwing gas on the fire.
Yeah.
What? Who are you?
Well, all right. Get some safety goggles and start getting acquainted
with the jigsaw over there.
- What the... - Here they are!
- Hey, what's going on? - Tweek and Craig are fighting.
- We're just watching. - Well, why the hell don't you stop them?
'Cause I got 10 bucks riding on it.
Don't screw around!
Stop screwing around!
Hey, you're screwing around too much!
- Oh, my God, they killed Kenny. - You bastards!
Well, don't just stand there, call an ambulance.
You see? You see what happens when you screw around in Shop class?
What? What's that, son?
Richard!
No, no, please don't go. I need you. I can't live without you.
Richard, you have to move on. I want you to be happy.
But I can't. I never got to say goodbye.
Then say it now, Richard.
- Goodbye? - There, now do you feel better?
- No. - Of course you don't.
Saying goodbye doesn't mean anything. It's the time we spent together
- that really matters, not how we left it. - You... You're right. You're right!
- Richard, it's Grandma! - Grandma? Hi, Gram!
- You never said goodbye to me, either. - Hey, Richie, remember me?
Uncle Corey! Wow! You're all alive again.
No. We're dead!
I love you, Richard. See you soon.
Thank you. Thank you for freeing me. I feel like now I can move on.
Baby, I feel so much better. I feel so alive.
Thank you, baby, thank you.
Dude, this is pretty... right here.
Hi, we're here to visit our good friends, Tweek and Craig.
Oh, well, I suppose a quick visit is okay. Maybe you kids can cheer them up.
Hey, guys. How're you feeling?
Well, we just came by because we have something to tell you.
Yeah. See, we got you to fight just 'cause we wanted
to see who was the toughest. We made up all that stuff we said
to get you guys mad at each other.
Yes. You can flip us off, Craig. We deserve that.
We just came by to apologize. We feel so bad.
- Boy, do we ever. - So, I guess we'll be going now.
And we'll just live with the knowledge that you're both kinda sissies.
- What? - What?
Well, I mean, that's what was on the news.
- What was on the news? - Oh! You didn't see it?
Tweek's family was on the news saying what a wuss you are, Craig.
Yeah, and then Craig's family came on and said Tweek was the wuss.
And then punched Tweek's mom in the hooters.
- You son of a bitch! - I'm gonna kick your ass!
Come on, Tweek, you got him!
Sumo technique, Craig. Sumo technique.